Coming Out
I feel like it has
been more like a long and arduous journey coming ‘home’ rather than coming
‘out’.
For many personal
reasons (a whole other story that runs parallel and also intertwines with this
one), my journey to where I am today has taken a lot longer than I would have
liked, with intense pain and sorrow on the way.
Feelings I am sure
that I am not alone with, but which can make you feel so isolated, and because
of such I have chosen many wrong paths for myself, but now I know I am on the
‘right track’.
I first
acknowledged my feelings of attraction towards women when I was 14, but since
then I have been living a life of deceit. I
cannot regret it all though, as I have three beautiful children who mean the
world to me, by my marriage of nearly 10 years, which, understandably contained
many problems, a lot of them sexual.
I have never felt
‘quite right’ with men, though I have had only heterosexual relationship up
until a couple of years ago, when I decided to be honest about my attraction to
women, not only to myself, but to others. I
came out as bisexual.
Telling others
caused more hurt, as some friends I thought I could count on drifted away,
leaving me feeling more isolated and my self esteem pretty much eroded.
I turned to an
extremely self-destructive lifestyle, one which only confused me more and caused
more heartache and one which was not ‘me’. But by that stage I had lost ‘me’ completely.
For about a year I
have been suffering from clinical depression, and my pain has at times been
overwhelming. If it wasn’t for
the support of a couple of very special friends, and my family, I doubt I’d be
here. Thank you.
Since then, the
only way has been up (with lots of therapy on the way of course).
I have come out as
a lesbian now to my good friends and family. I have had such a positive reaction from my children,
parents, friends and even my ex-husband (I think that it helps him understand a
lot about our marriage too). I
realise that these people are the ones who count, the ones who know me truly,
the rest of the world does not matter.
I live in a
“straight neighbourhood” with my children, I have straight friends, but it
makes no difference to me anymore. I
no longer feel isolated or so alone.
I met a lesbian
woman recently and she has been wonderful, introducing me to more other ‘like
myself’, and treating me with compassion and care. Thank you.
For the first time
in my life I feel like I “belong”. I
can accept who I am and can now forge a path to a much more fulfilling and
rewarding life.
I
am a woman who is healing and gaining the strength to live life as every person
should be entitled to, openly and honestly, as an individual, with my head held
high.
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